Hey, Old Self, it’s time we had a talk.
Once upon a time, sitting on a therapist’s couch, a client commented, “Most of the time, I feel like I’m the very best version of me! It’s just that I don’t know why others don’t seem to see me that way. It makes me really mad.”
If you’ve read the “On the Foundations” page, I’ve made a case for how vital this “Old Self” concept is, but I’d like to take a deeper dive. It has been so so helpful to me on my journey. In the example above, this client is just beginning to feel hairline cracks in her facade— She’s just beginning to see that others have a different view of her and that bothers her.
Here are some key things that are true about our Old Self:
1) You could think about an Old Self as describing the lenses you wear as you walk thru life. And it has some distortions in it. (Also goodness. But some flaws too.) Living the life you’ve lived, you’ve developed ways of seeing yourself and others; and ways of relating to yourself and others, that simply aren’t true. This has nothing to do with facts you know—it’s what you believe, deep down in your bones.
2) What makes it “Old?” That’s a great question. Sometimes people call it the “False Self” or the“Imposter Self.” The “old” means that I’ve had it a long time. It started forming when I quite young, actually. Which means, it’s really deeply rooted inside of me, and it’s going to be a life-long journey to walk this out.
3) Everyone has one. There isn’t a way to live on the planet without developing this.
4) Everyone has a PARTICULAR one. You living your life, in your family and early experiences, with all its uniqueness, shaped a particular pair of glasses with more diverse options than walking into a eyeglass warehouse. Maybe I walk thru life believing I must be perfect, or serve everyone, or perform well, or be special, or smart, or funny, or responsible or powerful. It’s got MANY characteristics, actually. It’s REALLY REALLY helpful for our growth to begin reflecting on the specific nature of my Old Self. I can’t begin to shift what I can’t even see.
5) These particular glasses are not meant to get me thru my life. They’ve gotten me this far in some ways, but I was not made to save myself. The more I live, the more I begin to feel it’s like a prison to me. I don’t want to keep playing this role! For one, I’m exhausted. And also, I feel it deeply inside—I’m not free. The particular shape of my Old Self begins to reveal the very specific ways I need to be saved.
*See handy diagram— Something in me really likes to makes pictures and charts to explain things. (Stick around and you’ll see more of these!) Here’s a tool that might help, with a made up example:
One final thought about the Old Self and then that’s enough for today:
6) Over time, my old strategies can be modified. They can shift to become more stuck, rigid, fixed—more and more of a prison to me! Or, I can learn how to to lay them down and move toward that which will really give me Life.
“Hey, Old Self, I want you to know, you’re not in trouble, OK? But aren’t you just so tired?”
More soon!
